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After, Happily Ever After [NSFW]

Started by cflnut, May 11, 2014, 03:21:32 PM

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cflnut

This is just a random conversation between two yet to be named characters in a fairy tale.

Be advised that this material may not be suitable for all readers, and is also of the Not Safe for Work variety.
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.
Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't.
And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would.

cflnut

"But I thought that fairy tales were supposed to be good natured and family friendly."

"You're full of it if you think that's true. That whole 'Happily Ever After' is a load of bullshit."

"What do you mean? Don't all fairy tales have a happy ending?"

"Depends on your point of view. Most times you're not told the whole story, but a watered down version, or a kid friendly one. Take Snow White for example. Prince Charming comes along to rescue her at the end and they go off and get married. End of story right?"
"Right."

"Well that's wrong. A little while after the happy couple got hitched the prince comes home to find his lovely wife being nailed by Grumpy, and Happy. At the same time she's going down on Sleepy. And while this is going on there's Doc giving himself a hand job in the corner."

"That's disgusting."

"It's also the truth, kid. Snow had been banging the seven dwarfs the whole time she lived with them. So after her and the prince got hitched she kept the affair going in secret. Once the prince found out she tried pleading with him not to get to upset, and explained that she had a fetish for dwarfs."

"So what happened? Did Prince Charming forgive Snow White and the seven Dwarfs?"

"Not exactly. Whereas he didn't execute any of them, he did have the Dwarf's publicly castrated, and sent back to the mines. As for Snow, he couldn't bring himself to see he punished, do to his love for her. So he had a witch change him into a dwarf. It seems to have worked out for them as nobody has seen them in several months. However if you get close enough to the bedroom you can defiantly hear them getting it on."

"But how did he do it I thought he killed the witch? Also why wouldn't he punish Snow White for having an affair on him?"

"There is more than one witch in this land. As far as not punishing Snow, you obviously have not seen her. With looks and a body like she has, every heterosexual guy in the kingdom wants to fuck her. After all she is the fairest of them all."

"But isn't that Sleeping Beauty?"

"That cranky insomniac bitch, not a chance. Maybe at some point she was but after not sleeping for the past ten years she's let herself go. If the black circles under her eyes aren't enough of a turn off then the bitchy altitude that comes with it has to be. There's also the paranoia as well."

"But what about Cinderella? Surely she hasn't changed that much?"

"YA right, a slave girl that became royalty just because her foot fit into a glass slipper. You've got to be kidding me."

"But she was put into slavery by her stepmother, and step sisters. Surly she can't be blamed for being a little upset with them?"

"A little upset? Do you even know what she did to them?"

"I thought she forgave them and let them live in the castle."

"Maybe in the watered down kid friendly version she did, but in reality she had her stepmother put into the dungeon and tortured to death, and her stepsisters were sold into slavery. Cinderella also has a sense of entitlement, and figures that everyone should be her servant."

"Can you really blame her?"

"Yes I can. That bonbon loving sow hasn't lifted a finger in five years. Just sits there all day watching soup operas and stuffing her face. Hell I'd be surprised if she can even get her fat, lard ass out of her throne."

"Well surly somebody has to have lived happily ever after? What about Rapunzel?"

"Nope. Turns out that her prince was gay."

"Oh jeez. How did she take that news?"

"She shaved her head and moved to a monastery in Tibet."

"Well then, I've got it, how about the little mermaid?"

"Her prince was allergic to fish. Broke out in hives every time she touched him. After about a year he filed for a divorce."

"How did she take the news?"

"Suicide. She swam straight into a fishing net."

"How sad."

"Yes it was. She did have a lovely funeral though. Closed casket, but they served the best fish sticks, and tuna sandwiches I'd ever tasted."

"Gross. They served her as lunch at her own funeral? That's disgraceful, and probably illegal."

"It's never been proven and is only an internet rumor."

"Then why not exhume the body and prove the rumor wrong for real?"

"At the request of the family she was buried at sea. Her casket was also eaten by a giant white whale."

"Let me guess the same white whale that swallowed Pinocchio?"

"You got it. Speaking of Pinocchio you know what happened to him right?"

"YA I was at his trial. Sad really when you think about it. All he ever wanted to be was a real boy, and after getting that he couldn't handle it."

"Exactly. Biggest case of mental breakdown in fairy tale history. Although in a way you can't blame really blame him."

"How so?"

"Well he did start out life as a marionette. So it's only reasonable that he would think that others would be able to come to life as he did."

"True, but murdering Geppetto, and torturing the fairy the way he did was a bit uncalled for."

"I find that statement funny coming from one who thinks that Belle's death was purely an accident."

"Of course it was. After all He'd been a beast for over a hundred years with no other human contact. So of course when him and Belle get married and first go to get it on, he'd be a little over excited."

"Over excited! He fucked he to death."
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.
Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't.
And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would.