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November 07, 2017, 10:33:58 PM
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Author Topic: The Life Thread  (Read 909 times)

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Online Bucfever

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #30 on: July 07, 2018, 10:12:28 AM »
So, first off, MIGHT want to take a break from Six Feet Under because you may be a little too close to the material right now (or maybe watching it will be cathartic, you're on the final season after all. I dunno).

Death has always been a weird thing to me. I'm terrified of it, yet my fiance almost seems to welcome it (she's not like, skydiving or doing anything risky to bring it forth, it just simply doesn't bother her). I guess it really depends on your perspective. Whether you believe in a better place or just eternal rest, some people find comfort in it. I couldn't say what your friend believed, but maybe, were he able to perceive what has occurred, he wouldn't be bothered or saddened but looked upon it in some positive light.

I lost my grandmother last year suddenly. She was 93, so, I can't exactly say it wasn't her time, but she'd been in perfect health until she just suddenly had a stroke. It even looked like she was recovering fine, but just a few weeks later she was back in the hospital and it was over.

I got you on the dog thing too. I never had a pet growing up, and I never really wanted one. Especially after having a kid, I just didn't see a need for another living thing in my home that I have to feed and clean up after. But, my fiance had a cat when we started dating and we even adopted another, and now sometimes I catch myself ruminating on that inevitable day, because I know we'll both be utter wrecks. I feel like I'm trying to prepare myself, but I guess when you love something and have that close of a bond, you interact daily and you've cared for and nurtured this living being like a child, there's no way to really prepare yourself.

Is it possible that after more tests, it won't be cancer and something they can cure? Or, even if it is cancer, is there any possibility they detected it early enough to cut it out?

Online Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #31 on: July 07, 2018, 02:35:37 PM »
Six Feet is just a well thought out presentation of mental stability and happiness in my mind, more about life, so that doesn't bother me.
I didn't know him well enough to know how he thought about such things, hell, I don't even know how I feel about it. Some days I don't care what happens, other days I might. My personal problem is finding something Im passionate about which I have no flipping clue what that is or where it is or how to find it.
As for my dog, Ill have a biopsy done and then Ill be given options. However, when he was coughing up blood, I knew that wasn't good. The growth is in his lung and it bothers him, I can tell because he is frequently trying to scratch that area and then he realizes its internal. Going off in the other room by himself, his walks are down to 1/3 of a mile because he's so tired. Normally we hit 1.25 to 1.5 miles, so yea, it doesn't look good.
Then again, what do I know. Ill just wait and see what next week brings. Whatever it is, its apparently going to be shitty for another long while

Online Bucfever

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #32 on: July 07, 2018, 02:41:59 PM »
Well, I think you mentioned playing guitar in another thread. Do you paint? Write? Love hopscotch? Whatever it is that you could invest yourself in and bring yourself joy.

Howard Stern talks a lot about how his life changed since entering therapy, and one of the biggest things is apparently he liked painting and wanted to do that more, and that's one of the things he does in his off time now. He doesn't share it with anyone (I'm sure his wife, but that's it) because it's solely for him. It's something he enjoys, relieves his stress, and makes him happier than sadder.

I don't mean to oversimplify if it's coming across like I am, but I'd say there's likely something you've wanted to do or enjoy doing that you could either start doing or do more for your enjoyment.

I don't think it's particularly healthy myself, but when I'm stressed out I play videogames. The nice thing about playing on the PS4 is I'm so focused on what's happening on the screen and coordinating my hands and eyes together, that I don't have time to think about the world crashing down around me. It's one of the reasons I prefer playing something like MLB (no matter how infuriating, although less so with the lower difficulty) vs just watching TV, because inevitably I'll find myself fiddling on my phone while watching TV which eventually leads me to the hellhole of Twitter and a reminder that everything is horrible.

I feel like learning to play an instrument is a similar thing that requires 100% focus. Heck, even just reading, if that's your thing. Yeah, inevitably I'll read about 20 pages and then take a peek at my phone, but if the book's good usually it's just a quick perusal of whatever new article's been posted on Gawker (really, io9, Deadspin and/or Kotaku) or here and I avoid Twitter because I want to get back to the book, even as I make sure news from my interests doesn't pass me by.

I don't know, maybe this whole post is a whole lot of nothing. This is my attempt to support, I hope something in here may be helpful, and if not, maybe the effort can put a smile on your face. :)

Online Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #33 on: July 07, 2018, 03:12:24 PM »
yea, planning on picking up guitar as soon as I get settled here, and also wanting to get my vinyl listening room going too.
So yea theres other things I want to do, but nothing fuels me.
For instance, my nephew plays music. thats all his existence revolves around. He will work to support that. he doesn't give a shit about material things, nice houses,c are, doesn't give a shit about friends who flaunt wealth, he wants to play with his band and put out music and thats all he's about because it drives him. he doesn't even want to be famous, he just wants to jam.
So, things like, me gettin back to bowling and really improving has been fun, taking it seriously, interested in yoga for health and mobility interested in guitar, Spanish, culinary, all that jazz but none of it lights me up.
Thats what Im missing.

And you aren't oversimplifying, I get it. I do the same thing with video games too, its a nice way to zone out doing something you like. Reading is a great hobby too although I have put it on the back burner as of late, but I agree with you and it is supportive, it helps and is appreciated.

Offline TheNorm

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #34 on: July 07, 2018, 10:19:51 PM »
Damn, dude. That is an absolutely shitty combination of breaks, and I hope you find whatever it takes to cope. A dog's love is unconditional and loyal.
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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #35 on: July 09, 2018, 12:24:27 PM »
thanks fellas

Online Bucfever

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #36 on: July 14, 2018, 01:01:50 PM »
So, I don't want the Life thread to be incredibly depressing, yet, here we go.

So, the other day I found out my brother's getting divorced and it's completely his fault. To make a long story short and vaguely detailed, he met a girl through work who, he says, was going through a troubled time. She apparently was also always asking for money, which, red flag. Oh, and she was 21. Eventually it was her bday and apparently she was pouty about no one saying happy birthday or caring, so my brother took her out for one drink, which he says he has the receipt for to show it was really just one drink, and that was that. After that she got clingy and crazy and he had to end it. Now, this was 4 months ago, and now my brother's wife found out because some person contacted her and got her involved and now there's drama.

Except, apparently my brother told my mom, he did actually sleep with this girl. So, there's that.

Here's what I told him. My brother and I both have a history of not being the best at relationships. We aren't always thinking with the brain between our shoulders. And, sadly, this wouldn't be the first time he'd done this, in his life or even with his wife (I know it definitely happened when they were dating and I think there's been incidents since, although I'm not sure how concrete that is).

Anyways, what I told him, is back when I was in A-School at Pensacola, I had a buddy who was in the SERE program. However, he got sick, pneumonia or something, and was restricted to bed rest. One day he decided he felt well enough and wanted something other than galley food, so he left the base to get McDonalds, and he was found and because of that, he was kicked out of SERE school. It's an extremely stupid reason to get kicked out and a silly thing, but, as he put it, "He put himself in a position to be questioned."

And that's the thing. Regardless if my brother did something or not (which, granted, he clearly did), when you have the history we have, you don't have the luxury of putting yourself into a position to be questioned. This is how/why guys end up pulling the gaslighting move, and that obviously has seriously harmful, negative effects on the mental health of the partner.

The thing here, is, for me, I used to be that guy. I cheated on every girl EXCEPT my fiance. Seeing him go down like this, though, as he's only four years older than me, it's put me in a rut. You'd think that, with two great jobs (they're pulling in about 160K combined, whereas my fiance and I are maybe around the 90K. Plus, they're living in Greenville, SC, where cost of living and taxes and whatnot are SUPER low, whereas we're in pricey ass Bothell, WA, albeit by choice and I wouldn't have it any other way), two great kids, an amazing house and all that, but clearly he either A) wasn't satisfied or B) can't ignore his impulses.

So now here I am, worried about if I'm next. Now, the advantage I have is, I've been through therapy, and I know and acknowledge my flaws, both normal, everyday human flaws and the big mental defects (hello, Borderline Personality Disorder). Knowing your demons is important and I know my brother's denied his for quite some time. And I know why he did this. He can say he was trying to help someone out and be a nice guy and went in too deep or whatever, but I know what it's like, I've been there. Evidently we both are attracted to super bright, neon, screaming red flags, maybe because we know by now how to work in that area. Look, I'm not proud about the person I was or the things I did. At some point I realized so called "damaged goods" were easier to relate to and, if you will, "groom" to get to that point, and I'm sure he was doing the same thing. Plus, I remember the thrill of the chase. I remember the high you get when you're going through those motions, each subsequent victory, until you finally get in bed. It's a rush. It's a fucking rush, simply put. And sometimes that can be hard to put away.

It makes me worry that I'll slip back. The last thing I ever want to do is anything to hurt my fiance, because this has really been the greatest relationship ever and I really, truly love her. Every other relationship I've had, there's always been multiple breakups. She's the first girl I never broke up with, not even once. We just work so well together. I don't feel bored. I don't feel unsatisfied. But I don't want those base impulses to drive me again.

Maybe I'm worrying about nothing because, unlike my brother who only, finally, just now claims to realize he needs help, I already recognize these things. Maybe, if nothing else, going into the Navy and getting diagnosed with BPD, and making SO may mistakes but making them early in my life, I've really been granted a true second chance and opportunity to do the right things, whereas he, who has never suffered the consequences I have, ended up making his mistakes later in life because of it.

It's a weird way to live, never truly trusting yourself. It's important to keep your guard up, but my goodness it is exhausting. Funny thing is, I'll see girls, when I'm at a ballgame or driving home and they're just walking down the sidewalk, and they're good looking or "my type," and I go "Ah, she's nice" and then my brain will immediately move on (the whole "You can look at the menu but you can't touch the food" type of nonsense). Back in the day, when I was at my worst, my brain didn't move on. It was like "I wonder what she's like, what she's into, what she's like in bed," etc etc. I don't have that anymore. Maybe I'm alright. Maybe I'm past it all and those days are behind me. But then I see him and it's a reminder that I can never stop being vigilant against myself, because my BPD and my self destructive nature are my biggest enemy and always have been. The second I slouch off, I may end up like him. I don't want that anymore. The grass isn't greener on the other side for me, it's dark and bleak and it ends in horror. I just don't ever want to forget that, not now, not 10 years from now, not 20.

Online Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #37 on: July 14, 2018, 10:30:25 PM »
Being aware of your shortcomings and faults is one thing; addressing them is another, and you've done both. Thats not a guarantee, but its as good as you can get.
Like you, ive don the same, and know that you have a head start because you figured this shit out in life before I did, and its not just about relationships either as you obviously know.

On to the ladies...ive got a cousin who trashed every single relationship he's been in and sparing the deets, the only reason he's been in this one so long is because his wife is truly into him, and he sincerely loves her, but he just, cheats. I don't get it, Ill never get it, and thats not a knock on anyone, its just foreign to me. When Im single, as now, Im like you were, looking and imagining everything. When Im with someone, that habit wanes for me and I can't explain it. Point is, we ar all wired differently and I think, for what its worth, as long as we understand and address our traits, good bad or indifferent, I think we have a much better chance at happiness.

Not for nothin dude, I honestly think you'll be fine. If for no other reason, you are keenly aware of your world and what you want to be and if you are inherently happy, which you appear to be, I think your instincts will guide you where you want to go.

Offline TheNorm

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #38 on: July 15, 2018, 12:04:27 AM »
Being aware of your shortcomings and faults is one thing; addressing them is another, and you've done both. Thats not a guarantee, but its as good as you can get.
Like you, ive don the same, and know that you have a head start because you figured this shit out in life before I did, and its not just about relationships either as you obviously know.

On to the ladies...ive got a cousin who trashed every single relationship he's been in and sparing the deets, the only reason he's been in this one so long is because his wife is truly into him, and he sincerely loves her, but he just, cheats. I don't get it, Ill never get it, and thats not a knock on anyone, its just foreign to me. When Im single, as now, Im like you were, looking and imagining everything. When Im with someone, that habit wanes for me and I can't explain it. Point is, we ar all wired differently and I think, for what its worth, as long as we understand and address our traits, good bad or indifferent, I think we have a much better chance at happiness.

Not for nothin dude, I honestly think you'll be fine. If for no other reason, you are keenly aware of your world and what you want to be and if you are inherently happy, which you appear to be, I think your instincts will guide you where you want to go.

Basically all of this. You being aware of your faults/shortcomings and addressing them? That shit's huge. Not many people can do that. Also sounds like you've seriously met your soulmate. Seems like you two communicate often and are completely open. That's awesome, and underrated. Can't work through life's little speedbumps together if the communication isn't always there, y'know?

We've all fallen in and out of love a few times, I'm sure. I'm similar in the sense that once I'm with somebody, that urge to 'look at the menu but not order' tends to wane a little bit. But it also helped serve as a bit of a warning sign for me, too. Because there've been times when I would look or start making connections, and once that happened it helped me realize that hey, maybe the person I'm with right now isn't the one I should be with. That allowed me to take a deep dive into what was starting to lead me astray. It gave me the chance to see what could be fixed between us, see what I or she was doing wrong, and then decide whether it was worth fixing or not. Sometimes it was, most times it wasn't and we moved on.
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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #39 on: July 15, 2018, 05:12:24 PM »
I appreciate the responses fellas. Sometimes it's hard to decipher the truth or excuses, so I can't quite tell if I'm on the right track or not, so that definitely helps.

 

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