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Luggnutz

January 26, 2019, 02:25:29 AM
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rollntider

November 07, 2017, 10:33:58 PM
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Author Topic: The Life Thread  (Read 4681 times)

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Offline rollntider

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #75 on: April 06, 2019, 02:55:45 AM »
Well sorry i have been sparse the past few weeks / months.
Its been wierd.
I have been seperated from my wife since december, depression (not mine) is hard to live with. I will leave it at that.
Also lost my job on 2-11. I didnt want to say anything until I got a new real job. I got a job at home depot but it kept me afloat until I found a real job. I accepted a position today that will make me decent money.  But things are on the upswing.

Been to florida for a few skills tests for the state, and interviews going to turn down the job since I dont want to relocate and it pays less than what I was offered.

The reason for the lack of visits is because I would get up in the morning, go to an interview, come home change and go to work at Home depot in the evenings. Or travel to florida for whatever hoops they wanted.
 But hopefully that is over for a bit. I will look for a better job soon but I can pay my bills again and move along.

2019 has been pretty much shit. Bama loses the National title badly, wife issues, job issues, and lol Auburn is in the final 4?

It hasnt been all bad, it appears people think I am a good guy and call it what you will, good things have happened to me from friends.
My landlord forgave 2 months rent, (I did some repairs around the house)
A former co worker lent me some nice suits to interview in (dude is a snazzy dresser)
A friend and his wife have offered food almost every night (only partook sparingly)
Former coworkers would invite me out to lunch to see how I was doing and would sneakily take my check and refused to let me pay.
One of the recruiters who worked with me told me he has rarely recieved the praise I got from my former bosses. He said whoever hires me is getting a good one. He said he can tell when people are phoning it in and well he said those guys were hurt I was gone. Made me choke up a little, I got caught up in a 63 person layoff and know it wasnt personal, but I feel a little validated that they thought that highly of me.
The job I was offered, a friend recommended me and built me up so much, I show up to interview and basically it was like, "this is what we offer, this is how cool this job is, when can you start" not the typical why you want to work here and what can you do for us.
« Last Edit: April 06, 2019, 03:10:53 AM by rollntider »



Offline Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #76 on: April 06, 2019, 02:28:08 PM »
Dude, sorry to hear about all that, man. Double whammy even.

I can only assume your wife is battling depression. I hope she seeks help because its no joke as I know you are aware.

Congrats on the new job, sounds like it will lead to better things, and even deeper congrats on having such a great circle of support from your friends.
I doubt Id ever have that sort of response if anything similar happened to me.
Keep doing what you're doing because it's working.

Offline TheNorm

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #77 on: April 06, 2019, 03:13:09 PM »
Damn dude, I'm really sorry to hear about all of that. It's tough trying to get back into the normal swing of things when your life is turned upside down like that, but props to you for persevering. Also happy that you were able to find something new fairly quickly, and that your circle of friends is amazing.

I also hope your wife is able to find the help she needs, depression can consume anyone.
Immigrants Built America

Offline Rigg44

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #78 on: April 08, 2019, 01:47:40 PM »
Sorry to hear this man.  I hope the new job either turns into what you want or at least gets you buy until you find the spot that is. Sorry about your marriage, depression is a killer.  When one person in a household is depressed everyone pays the toll, as you clearly know.  May your future be as bright as you want it to be.   

Offline rollntider

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #79 on: April 09, 2019, 11:39:30 PM »
thanks for the kind words everyone. Yes it is the wifes depression. I do wish she would get some help, but I can only beat my head against the wall for so long. I love her but I wish her the best. I am not sure what I can do. I was overwhelmed with the support of friends, shows how blessed I am. Very thankful.



Offline Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #80 on: April 10, 2019, 12:00:09 AM »
thanks for the kind words everyone. Yes it is the wifes depression. I do wish she would get some help, but I can only beat my head against the wall for so long. I love her but I wish her the best. I am not sure what I can do. I was overwhelmed with the support of friends, shows how blessed I am. Very thankful.

thats tough, I can relate. Loving someone and wanting the best and trying to help, really doesn't matter if they won't accept it.
You have to take care of you now, and it sounds like you're off to a good start.

Offline Bucfever

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #81 on: April 11, 2019, 02:44:36 PM »
thanks for the kind words everyone. Yes it is the wifes depression. I do wish she would get some help, but I can only beat my head against the wall for so long.

This has been a thing for me as of late.

My fiancee and I have an odd dynamic, I suppose, me with the Borderline Personality Disorder, her with the Bi-Polar. It gives us help supporting each other, but, just being there for someone isn't always enough if the cycle is just going to repeat itself.

I've been having trouble since late February with the darkness just creeping in. I've had thoughts of self harm lately because it just feels like things are only going to get worse, you know? And I know that's not true, I know I can't predict the future, but lately everything, even the things I love, movies, books, but also things like work, even my impending marriage to her, has all felt meaningless. Like, we live, we die, and eventually, however long it takes, the world moves on and what was the point of it all, you know?

I don't know how to fix this nihilistic viewpoint that has suddenly attached itself to me. I think part of it is protection, my distaste for the current state of US politics and the way that I personally view things heading, it doesn't look great and with my son growing up in whatever the world is about to be, whether it's a climate-change affected hellscape or whatever worst-case scenario my mind presents me with, somehow the "none of this matters" is almost comforting, but also the side effect is the complete lack of joy in any activity.

There's also been an issue with just having 0 confidence in myself. I was up for, and had a very good opportunity to be chosen, for a promotion here at work just a few months ago. I'd talked to my boss about it a few times before the position officially opened, and by the time it did, I was sunk into this thing I'm dealing with and declined to apply for it.

I'm tough on myself for any mistake. Mistakes to me are the end of the world. They are not missteps, they are not practice, they are simply failure. I see things in a very success/fail way, which is weird, because you can make a mistake and recover from it and things end fine, even if there's a slight mess to be cleaned up, but my brain, in the moment, doesn't care about any of that. I fucked up, it's a knock against me, and I don't deserve a promotion. That's how my brain thinks.

I don't actually have health insurance. I'm a contract worker, so the healthcare plan is pretty pricey, vs being an actual full time engineer (or, at least, I assume the benefits aren't pricey for full time engineers at MS). I recently found an organization here in Seattle called OpenPath that provides therapy services with a membership cost ($50). I think there may be a qualification process to be approved for that, I have to look into it more, but it's given me some hope. Looks like their in-network providers charge between 30 and 60 bucks per session, which isn't terrible, and I know I need help beyond what me or my fiancee have been able to accomplish.

It's been really rough lately, and this has given me something of a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm really hoping it'll make a difference, because, it's just really hard going everyday feeling like everything's coming to an end and that you're not capable of doing...anything. At all. That you're just a fuck up moving from one fuck up to another.

Anyways. I dunno. I guess I'm venting, which was half the point of this thread, to an extent.

Offline TheNorm

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #82 on: April 11, 2019, 07:07:31 PM »
Venting is good, Buc - here, family, friends. And I really do hope that opportunity is there for you and that the help (for lack of a better word) is there. I've got my fingers crossed for you.
Immigrants Built America

Offline Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #83 on: April 12, 2019, 12:07:10 AM »
I'm tough on myself for any mistake. Mistakes to me are the end of the world. They are not missteps, they are not practice, they are simply failure. I see things in a very success/fail way, which is weird, because you can make a mistake and recover from it and things end fine, even if there's a slight mess to be cleaned up, but my brain, in the moment, doesn't care about any of that. I fucked up, it's a knock against me, and I don't deserve a promotion. That's how my brain thinks.

I latched on to this because this has been a huge obstacle for me. I am relentless and staunchly unforgiving of myself for the simplest bad decisions or mistakes or what have you.
Remember that scene in Six Feet Under, forget what season, but
Spoiler: show
Nate was in a bar and mouthed off to a patron who then just kicked the shit out of him? He kept egging the guy on because he felt he deserved it.

That was/is me, to a freakin T and its unhealthy as fuck.
Ill give you an example that when you read it, it will seem so silly, and it is, which is what Ive come to realize.
I picked up bowling again a few years ago, walked into a center, joined a league and team at random and have been with them for three years now.
I poured myself into getting better, equipment, practice, lessons etc...Fast forward and I felt I was better, and I was, much much better
but, if I had a bad frame or two...not even a game, but frame! Say I miss an easy spare. No problem right? Come back, string some marks together, easy recovery. Not for me. I would berate myself, "An 8 year old blind kid could make that shot are you kidding me? Just kick me off this flipping team, I shouldn't be allowed to bowl with shots like that." and on and on. By then, as you know, it was over, that game was over, and the next, and the next.
And all the while, I hear everyone having a good time, but I choose to sink. I KNOW its going to make me worse, but I like it! I want it, I deserve it. Would ruin my night, and sometimes even the next day, over what? I feel absolutely foolish even putting this out here,
but you can imagine the rest. Just terrible. Luckily, my friends wrote it off and stuck with me.
Ive worked on my cognitive shortcomings and am overcoming this nonsense but I get it, completely.
I know that wasn't the entire gist of your post but just letting you know, its not just you.
Im confident you will overcome and always hit us up here if you want.

Offline Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #84 on: April 12, 2019, 02:48:02 AM »
And to lighten things up, Im headed to Nashville next week, and I sincerely hope this lady is performing somewhere in her hometown because this just blows my mind.
Take 90 seconds...


Offline Bucfever

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #85 on: April 12, 2019, 11:35:55 AM »
Say I miss an easy spare. No problem right? Come back, string some marks together, easy recovery. Not for me. I would berate myself, "An 8 year old blind kid could make that shot are you kidding me? Just kick me off this flipping team, I shouldn't be allowed to bowl with shots like that." and on and on. By then, as you know, it was over, that game was over, and the next, and the next.
And all the while, I hear everyone having a good time, but I choose to sink. I KNOW its going to make me worse, but I like it! I want it, I deserve it. Would ruin my night, and sometimes even the next day, over what? I feel absolutely foolish even putting this out here,
but you can imagine the rest. Just terrible.

I mean, this it, right? Other people miss a spare or a strike and they go "Ah that's too bad" and go pick their beer back up. We miss that and think "We're the worst, we're holding the team back, they're going to hate us because they'd be winning every tournament if we weren't on the team, we're going to get kicked off the team and they won't speak to us."

It's like, a combination of expecting too much of ourselves and putting way too much stress and pressure in situations that DO NOT call for it, and a fear of rejection, like, I have to be perfect otherwise everyone will hate me.

It's a lot, but, it is nice that someone gets it, even if I also wish you didn't get it, just for you own peace and sanity, heh.

Offline Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #86 on: April 12, 2019, 12:49:43 PM »
Say I miss an easy spare. No problem right? Come back, string some marks together, easy recovery. Not for me. I would berate myself, "An 8 year old blind kid could make that shot are you kidding me? Just kick me off this flipping team, I shouldn't be allowed to bowl with shots like that." and on and on. By then, as you know, it was over, that game was over, and the next, and the next.
And all the while, I hear everyone having a good time, but I choose to sink. I KNOW its going to make me worse, but I like it! I want it, I deserve it. Would ruin my night, and sometimes even the next day, over what? I feel absolutely foolish even putting this out here,
but you can imagine the rest. Just terrible.

I mean, this it, right? Other people miss a spare or a strike and they go "Ah that's too bad" and go pick their beer back up. We miss that and think "We're the worst, we're holding the team back, they're going to hate us because they'd be winning every tournament if we weren't on the team, we're going to get kicked off the team and they won't speak to us."

It's like, a combination of expecting too much of ourselves and putting way too much stress and pressure in situations that DO NOT call for it, and a fear of rejection, like, I have to be perfect otherwise everyone will hate me.

It's a lot, but, it is nice that someone gets it, even if I also wish you didn't get it, just for you own peace and sanity, heh.

Thats a bingo, and absolutely same goes for me lol

Offline Rigg44

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #87 on: April 12, 2019, 01:29:42 PM »
For me, it's about being driven by a fear of failure more than the joy of success.  I set goals, work my ass off to achieve them and then?  I acknowledge I did it, enjoy it for 2.3 seconds and move on.  The whole time I am going through this loop I am driven not by the joy of my future success but the complete and overwhelming fear of coming up short and being seen as a failure. I can't or at least don't even get any real level of satisfaction out of the victory but I torture my self with the fear of failing to win.  Its a messed up mindset I know but it is what it is.   

Offline Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #88 on: April 26, 2019, 11:03:44 PM »
So y'all know I took off to Boston last fall because I was tired of making excuses for not doing what I wanted. After Boston, I put Nashville on notice and accomplished that this past week. We left as the NFL Draft contingent was swarming in in droves.

If you've never been, allow to me to pain a picture of Nashville with this poignant analogy: That whole town is like one giant state fair.
The food and music, its just, yea, like a state fair lol
I spent some time discovering true locals and finding wonderful spots that aren't lit up by tourists, but then did the things you have to do, Country Music HOF, Cash Museum and the like. Such a fun town. Go if you haven't.

Next up, the plan is to hit San Francisco.
Tentatively, flying in to LA, staying over in Long Beach as I know a few people there. Rent a car and take a coastal drive up to SF and then stay there a couple of days.
If anyone has been there or made that drive or has any suggestions about that idea, let me know, Im all ears.


Oh btw, couple of things: A couple of posts back I linked a video to a performer I said I hoped I could locate while there...
Well, I was able to contact her and found her on Broadway

And one more thing....
Tender Royale basket and that's a deep fried grilled cheese, which was as decadent as you imagine.


Offline Crewe

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Re: The Life Thread
« Reply #89 on: May 10, 2019, 02:10:39 PM »
It's been raining and flooding like a mofo here and, Ive had days off, which is not really good, no work no money, BUT, I try not to worry about it because....
Im focusing on learning the guitar aaaaand, my cousin just hooked me up on that PS Home network option where I get access to his games, hence me playing SM...and he has others I need to get to but it will be a while lol

 

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